Limbception
by StupidityIsStupid
Summary: Dom is a dick and every other synonymous word , Ariadne wants to ship Arthur/Eames, Eames hits on Arthur, Yusuf wants everyone to get along, and Saito keeps things simple. Also, Mal is crazy. Crack!fic. Like, really cracky.


A/N: So...I was bored...and hyped up on caffeine (still am) and this is what occurred. I'm really sad that I can't do colored font on here, because everything Yusuf said was originally written in rainbow form. So instead I bolded his words, but it just doesn't seem the same. If you want to read that version, I have it posted on my account on LJ. zafer_aistra.

Please, enjoy this crack!fic.

* * *

"WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO RETRIEVE ANYTHING FROM A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T LEAVE THE INTERNET?" Arthur spoke after awakening from the most disturbing dream. Ever. It was set in a 2D land, and they were all very confused about the Mario Bros.-esque landscape they ran through to reach the mark. "WHY AM I TALKING LIKE THIS?"

Cobb squinted, his porn-stache disappearing in the fold between his upper lip and nose. _"Are we still dreaming?_"

"NO, I DON'T THINK SO. I'M SO CONFUSED!" Arthur said, accidentally pushing Ariadne's chair over. "DAMMIT."

Ariadne shrieked. "Omg Arthur. Like, wtf was taht 4?"

Dom gagged. _"Omg? 4?"_

Ariadne glared (not a squint. Only Cobb can squint. Duh.) "Im so confuzled. Like, srsly. Y m I tlkn lk dis?"

"AUGH. MAKE IT STOP."

"I cant tell if ur yelling at me or not."

"AUGH."

Eames decided to walk in. "hey guys so that was really weird can you believe i got to be mario who delivered the kick after dom died"

"_Have you ever heard of punctuation?"_ Dom asked.

"have you ever heard of normal font its like a constant inflection when you talk like that its creepy" Eames answered.

"It's totes true," Ariadne offered. "It's like ur always squinting through ur words. Totes weird."

"I HAVE AN IDEA." Arthur said (shouted?) "I'LL WIKI IT!"

"_My ears,"_ Dom muttered.

"Lolz, ur so funny Dommy. Haha. Rofl." Ariadne dropped to the floor and began rolling around. She laughed as well.

"TO THE INTERNET!"

"darling do you really use wikipedia to search for information if i had only known youre human like the rest of us except cobb cobb is a demon im sorry you got stuck with a demon friend"

Eames ran over to the point man and hugged him.

"OH GOD, MY SANITY. YOUR PAISLEY IS RUBBING OFF ON ME."

"thats not the only thing rubbing off on you" Eames winked.

"MAKE IT STOP. YUSUF, GET IN HERE."

Yusuf walked in. **"Yes?" **

"Oh, tahts so cuuuuuuute. Awl dos bolded colors in ur words." Ariadne squealed.

**"What?"**

"I'M BLIND. I'M BLIND AND DEAF AND COVERED IN PAISLEY AND I THINK EAMES SLOBBERED ON MY SUIT. THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO LIVE ANYMORE."

"Duz dis mean that u'll strip 4 us? Sqee!"

_"Dear God above, I'm sorry for anything and everything I may have done in a past life to deserve the life you gave me this time around."_

"why arent you apologizing for anything you did this time"

_"Eames, so help me God, I will throttle you if you don't use any punctuation the next time around."_

"dont ask for his help right after you apologized it makes it seem like youre using him"

_"Goddammit, Eames! Throttle you, I say! Throttle!"_

**"You guys. We're still dreaming."**

"I NEED A COMPUTER. ARIADNE, DREAM UP A COMPUTER."

Ariadne did. "Omg,i didn't rlze i could do taht. Taht's so kewl."

"what are you looking up darling" Eames asked (?).

"WIKIPEDIA DOT ORG."

_"Wikipedia? Really, Arthur?"_

"DOT ORG," Arthur repeats. "THAT SHOWS THAT IT'S A REFUTABLE SITE."

"Im not allowed to use Wiki when im n class."

"SHUSH ARI. I'M IN THE ZONE."

The team watched as he typed 'inception dream help' into the search query.

No results showed up.

"try typing in how to wake up from weird dreams" Eames offered.

"I KNOW HOW TO WAKE UP FROM WEIRD DREAMS, EAMES."

"sorry you don't have to yell at me darling"

_"Yeah, it's really confusing."  
_  
"OH, YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, DOM."

**"I wish you all would just stop fighting. Spread the peace and love."**

"i can't tell if youre a hippie or if your pro gay rights"

**"Why can't I be both?"** Yusuf asked and pushed Eames and Arthur together.

"Omg, taht's so hawt. Like, i totes should start shipping Armes."

"ARMS?"

"Armes. Arthur n Eames."

"I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP. SOMEONE KILL ME. EAMES, KILL ME."

"i cant do that sweetcheeks i love you too much to kill you even if its to save you"

"Aw, taht's so cute and sad," Ariadne sniffled. "Sniffle."

**"Did you really just explain an action while you were talking?"**

"I should rite a stroy about u guyz. I'll call it: Five Times Everyone Told Arthur and Eames to Fuck, and One Time They Totally Did It In Front Of Everyone and Ariadne Caught It On Camera."

_"That's an extremely long title."_

"Don't judge me, Dom."

_"I'm not."_

"Now ur just mocking me. Stop squinting through your words!"

"GUYS, I FIGURED IT OUT."

Ariadne fell over. "Flails."

"jesus christ"

_"Don't take the lord's name in vain, Eames."_

"you sound like an unbelievable douche when you talk like that"

Arthur shot them all.

"OH SHIT. WHERE ARE WE?"

"Limbo."

"U make it sound niiiiiice."

"WHY ARE WE IN LIMBO? I SHOT US."  
_  
"That's why we're in limbo. You shot us."_

"shot through the heart and youre too blame darling you give love a bad name bad name" Eames sang happily.

"DOM, YOU DICK. EAMES YOU COCK."

"darling lets not be hasty im sure dom didnt mean to forget to tell us again that were too far under to get out with a simple kick" Eames comforted. He placed his hand over Arthur's. "there there there itll be okay i promise love"

_"Did you just promise him love, or did you just call him love?"_

"both"

Ariadne smiled and waved her arms around. "Smile n multple flails."

"DOM, YOU'RE A PENIS." Arthur repeated, in case he hadn't been heard the first time.

"is there going to be a train" Eames might've questioned, if he'd start using proper punctuation.

"OH DEAR GOD, DON'T GET HIM STARTED," Arthur begged.

It was too late. Dom had started. _"You're waiting for a train…"_

"U dont no were teh trane will take u, but itll be pretty and magical."

Yusuf wiped a tear from his eye. **"That was beautiful, Ariadne. You're a true poet."**

"A PENIS TRAIN. JUST. LIKE. DOMINICK. COBB."

"it all makes sense now"

_"I'm not gay!"_

"nu, u just hav immaculate taste in prity and crzy women," Ariadne pointed out.

"no you can't love a crazy woman if she don't love you back oh no you can't oh no oh you can try try you can try you can try you can try try try you can try but you'll end up dead on your kitchen floor" Eames resonated.

**"And an obvious desire to bang Saito. Duh."**

"not just saito arthur and me and ari and you and himself" Eames corrected. "dom wants us all in his pants and he wants in all of ours"

"HE'S BEEN HAVING A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEAD WOMAN IN HIS DREAMS." Arthur gleefully inputted.

_"Damn you all!"_

"YOU'VE BEEN IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEAD WOMAN FOR YEARS. DAMN YOU."

Dom narrowed his eyes. Ariadne could almost envision laser beams escaping them, but was afraid to let the thought go any further in case it really did happen.

"was that a squint or a glare i couldnt tell well call it a glarint or a sqlare"

"GLARINT." Arthur agreed.

Dom glarinted at them.

_"Damn you and your unborn children."_

"WE CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN, YOU MANSTICK. YUSUF'S CHEMICALS SCREWED UP OUR INTERAL ORGANS. I DON'T THINK I EVEN HAVE A STOMACH ANYMORE."

"i lost my gallbladder" Eames said sadly.

"NO ONE CARES. I WANT TO DIE. PLEASE KILL ME."

"Homygawd, is taht Mal?" Ariadne pointed to a projection climbing down the Eiffel Tower in the style of a spider. "We're in France! It's soooooo purdy! I lurve it here! Arehrifnkjsafhia!"

_"Mal."_

"Dòm."

"I love your accent, dear."

Mal grew her perfectly manicured nails to points and stabbed Yusuf in the chest.

"Thànk yòù."

"Y r u axcentin eerything?" Ariadne questioned.

"Bècàùsè Î'm Frénch."

She then picked up the Eiffel Tower and threw it at the team.

_"You're so beautiful,"_ Dom cooed as the tip impaled his neck. So really, all that came out was a bunch of garbled nonsense with a lot of spit and blood. _"Erkeh sho buefifl."_

The team woke up in an area with absolutely nothing in it. There was a vast whiteness that no one disturbed. They were silent for a few moments, scared about what they would find.

Dom bit the bullet. _"Are we awake?"_

"GODDAMNIT!"

"Nuuuuuuu."

"i think were in limbo" Eames said in a very bored manner.

"WE'VE BEEN IN LIMBO THE WHOLE TIME YOU DUMB BUTT HOLE."

"u have teh wierdest comebacks." Ariadne giggled. "Giggle. Teehee."

"i bet its because he wants me to come on his back" Eames winked.

Arthur groaned and clasped his hands together. "JESUS CHRIST LORD ABOVE I AM SO SORRY I NEVER WENT TO CHURCH AND I TAKE YOUR NAME IN VAIN AND I DON'T ALWAYS FOLLOW THE JEWISH TRADITION BECAUSE PORK IS DELICIOUS, AND THAT I PUSHED TINA HOLLIFER OFF OF THE SWING SET WHEN I WAS TEN BECAUSE I WAS MAD THAT SHE STOLE MY FAVORITE MARKER AND SHE BROKE HER ARM AND I NEVER APOLOGIZED. BUT IS THIS SORT OF TORTURE SERIOUSLY NEEDED?"

"u cant do that it wont work dom already tried it remember" Eames reminded Arthur. "there there there"

"YOU BELONG INSIDE A CONDOM."

_"That sounds like a come on, Arthur."_

**"Where are we?"**

_"Limbo, I think."_

"NO SHIT."

"You are." A voice piped up behind (in front of, next to) them.

"SAITO."

"You seem excited to see me."

"I'M NOT."

"hes a little special"

The team nodded thoughtfully.

"I HATE YOU ALL."

_"Hate is a strong word."_

"PENIS DOM. YOU'RE A PENIS AND A COCK SUCKING DICK."

_"That makes no sense."_

"That snds hawt. Taht would b a crzy pron fic. I should rite taht!"

"saito where are we"

"This is Saitimbo."

"WHAT?"

"Whut?"

_"What?"_

**"What?"**

"what"

"I built a limbo inside of Limbo."

"limbception"

_"Why?"_

"It seemed neater that way."

_"Why don't you have any problems with your speech?" _Dom asked, squinting with the intention of seeing through the older man's body into his soul.

"I do have problems. Every now and then I speak in wingdings, but then when I try to translate it, I end up with a bunch of boxes with question marks."

**"So much sense is being made right now."**

"NO SENSE IS BEING MADE RIGHT NOW!"

"Insert: Wingdings; Translate: Times New Roman; Incompatible Format Error Code 5356wo9" Saito explained.

The team had a mass WTF look on their faces.

_"What just happened?"_

"STOP!" Arthur screamed unhappily.

"hammertime na nan a cant touch this"

Eames pointedly thrust his pelvis towards Arthur while framing his magnificent crotch with his hands.

"I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH THAT!"

"Tihs is sooooo buetiful," Ariadne crooned. "Armes. Happy sigh."

"You can leave only if I shoot you or will you to leave because this is my home. You're all ruining Saitimbo!" Saito cried out and suddenly the whiteness was actually snow and they were drowning in it.

When they woke up, everyone looked around sheepishly.

"R we home?" Ariadne cautiously asked.

"IT…IT SEEMS THAT WE'RE NOT," Arthur replied angrily.

"theres only one way to figure this out" Eames said. He looked at Cobb. "youre waiting for a train"

Mal appeared suddenly, in the form of a train. _"Mal! Darling dear love and light of my life!"_

"DAMMIT COBB!"

She ran them all over and they spent the rest of their lives stuck in a world between two limbos, constantly getting run over by a Mal-esque train. Dom and Mal stayed together and had many little choo-choo babies and Ariadne cooed over all of them. Arthur and Eames had hot hot sex and everyone knew about it because Arthur was a natural screamer and the caps lock made it ever louder and Eames is Eames so he made sure everyone knew. Yusuf helped Ariadne write incredible porn fics about the others on the team.

None of them lived happily ever after.

It was awful.

The end.

* * *

A/N: I'm so sorry. I had to do it. I'm so sorry.

Crack!fic is cracky.

Songs Eames sings:

You Give Love a Bad Name: Bon Jovi  
Crazy Woman: The Doo Wops  
U Can't Touch This: MC Hammer


End file.
